The Kiss That Broke The Internet

Time: 9 pm on a Thursday night sometime in the year 2011

Location: The White House

Presidential Aid : Mr. President, we have a situation. It appears that internet service the entire world over has broken down. All of our security systems are operating at reduced capacity and thanks only to back up servers.

Barack Obama: Who is claiming responsibility? Is it the terrorists? The Russians? Sarah Palin?

Presidential Aid: No sir. We have unconfirmed reports that that the break down may have resulted from the rapid mobilization of a transnational entity known simply as the Delena fanbase.

Barack Obama: If these people can crash the internet, why have I never heard of them?

Presidential Aid: I’m sorry sir. That’s all the information that we have at this time.

Barack Obama: Find out what the hell a Delena fan base is and convene the joint chiefs.

Michelle Obama : Isn’t Delena on that show that Malia is always sneaking off to watch? Something about vampires?

*Barack Obama stares at his wife in disbelief*

Barack Obama : Right, like a TV show could really bring the entire world to an electronic standstill.

Time: 9:15 pm on that same Thursday night.

Location: The Oval Office.

*Barack Obama and the Joint Chiefs are engaged in a video conference call with Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec, Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev*

Barack Obama: Let me get this straight. The entire internet crashed because of ONE kiss between a vampire and a 17 year old teenager?!

Kevin Williamson: Well. Yes, sir Mr. President.

Julie Plec: With all due respect Mr. President, it was a pretty spectacular kiss.

Kevin Williamson: And the fans have been waiting a really long time for it. I mean, to be honest, I’m surprised the internet is all they broke.

Barack Obama: Unbelievable.

*Joe Biden points at Ian and Nina*

Joe Biden: What’s your role in all of this?

Ian Somerhalder: I play the vampire.

Nina Dobrev: I play the 17 year old human. And well technically, I also play her 500 year old vampire ancestor. But they didn’t break the internet over that kiss.

Julie Plec: Which was kind of weird when you think about it. Damon and Katherine were pretty sexy.

Kevin Williamson: Yeah but Damon and Elena have the whole twin flames thing going on.

Ian Somerhalder to Kevin Wiliamson and Julie Plec: So how long until the next kiss?

Barack Obama: Don’t even think about it! We can’t afford another incident like this one. India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons!

Secretary of Defense: Uh, Mr. President. I’ve taken the liberty of putting our people on this. CIA, NSA, Homeland Security. There’s consensus on the ground that antagonizing this Delena fanbase would be counter to our national security objectives.

Joe BIden: In other words don’t piss them off?

Secretary of Defense: Yes, sir. My understanding of the situation is that if this fanbase were to become truly agitated, well. India and Pakistan and their nuclear weapons would be the least of our problems. Sir.

*Barack Obama is still in shock*

Barack Obama: We don’t negotiate with terrorists but we do negotiate with teenagers, is that it?

Ian Somerhalder: If it makes your feel better Mr. President, we have tons of fans who aren’t teenagers. Grown women can be equally hysterical.

*Barack Obama facepalm powers activate!*

*Malia Obama infiltrates the Oval Office*

Malia Obama: Zomg! It’s Damon and Elena! That kiss was so epic! Waaaaaaaay better than Stefan and Elena’s first kiss.

*Malia Obama squeals*

Malia Obama: Oh and Daddy, you have to help Ian save the environment and fix Louisiana cos you weren’t mean enough to BP and they made a mess down there.

*Malia Obama sighs happily and turns to look at Kevin, Julie, Ian and Nina*

Malia Obama: You guys are way cooler than my dad. He just does serious president stuff all the time. Can I come visit the set?

Julie Plec: Sure you can, if it’s okay with your dad.

Barack Obama: I need a drink.


1 Comment

  1. I read this and I laughed hysterically. Score 1 for team delena XD The shitty mess of Stefan and Elena has never reached heights of epic proportion.

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