Desperate Times, Higher Powers

Location: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Me: *puts all those years of watching the ORIGINAL La Femme Nikita series to good use and infiltrates the Oval Office*

Barack Obama: *is busy*

Me: Excuse me, Mr. President. I hate to bother you…

Barack Obama: O_o Who are you and what are you doing here? Is this what I pay the secret service for, really?

Me: *shrugs* I didn’t really come here to discuss the finer points of your security detail. I came because I have a problem. And it’s really quickly going to be your problem if someone doesn’t intervene.

Barack Obama: Lady, do you know how many problems I already have? There’s a revolution in Egypt in case you hadn’t noticed. One that came on the heels of another revolution in Tunisia. There’s bound to be more violence in the South Sudan. To say nothing of continuing economic clusterf*** or the fact that Christina Aguilera doesn’t know the words to the Star Spangled Banner and my 12 year old wants to go on a date. A date! So whatever your problem is, go take it up with a Congressman or something.

Me: Two words, Mr. President. Delena Fanbase.

Barack Obama : #@IO*^&%#$@*!@^#!*#&*^@$%#&!*^&@%#&$(@&$*^%*!@&%$&@*

Me: Pretty much.

Barack Obama: *presses intercom button* Convene the Joint Chiefs and get Plec and Williamson on video conference. Do it now

Barack Obama: *starts pacing while waiting for orders to be carried out*

Barack Obama: I can’t believe this s***.

Me: Funny. That’s what the D/E fanbase has been saying too. It’s really depressing them.

Barack Obama: What even happened anyway?

Me: Was Malia upset last Thursday night?

Barack Obama: Now that you mention it. My mother in law did say something about her not wanting to go to the lake anymore this summer.

Me: That sounds about right. Totally take that one up with Julie Plec.

Me: *feels a little bit evil for throwing Julie to the wolves*

The Joint Chiefs: *arrive*

Joe Biden: This is about that vampire show again, isn’t it?

Barack Obama: What gave it away?

Joe Biden: I saw the promo on YouTube. The pretty guy that was here last time was getting tortured and the pretty girl was kissing some guy I’d never seen before. I figured s*** was bound to hit the fan.

Barack Obama: This is so not what I signed on for when I ran for office. Give me a corrupt banking system any day over this kind of thing.

Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec : *appear on video conference screens*

Kevin: Good evening, sir.

Julie: Mr. President.

Barack Obama: What have you done? Why are the Delena’s depressed and why has my daughter developed an aversion to lake houses?

Kevin to Julie : I told you we should have left Stefan in the tomb with Katherine.

Julie to Kevin : So that she could mind screw him into thinking that he’d actually been in love with her once and still is?

Me: Sounds like a good plan to me.

Me : *looks at Joe Biden*

Me: Doesn’t that sound like a good plan to you?

Joe Biden: *nods and smiles*

Julie: Look, we’re definitely going to explore the whole Stefan/ Katherine thing at some point. But this show is really about the relationships between Stefan, Elena and Damon. It’s about the brothers. It’s about this epic love story between Stefan and Elena, that’s kind of tragic because she’s human and he’s a vampire and at some point there are going to be all these mortality issues to think about. And it’s also about the impact that Elena has on Damon’s journey of self discovery.

Joe Biden: *is confused*

Joe Biden: I thought it was about the pretty people who were here last time getting it on?

Julie: *facepalm*

Kevin: We took a calculated risk. Personally, I’m thinking if we’d left the dead great grandfather’s jacket out of it like I wanted, our ratings might not have dropped 20 percent.

Secretary of Defense: Lakers were playing the Celtics that night though. Plus Idol. I think all ratings across the board tanked.

Kevin: Ratings don’t tank by 20 percent and I don’t care how good Kobe looks in shorts.

Kevin : *shakes head*

Kevin : We bit the hand that feeds us and they bit back. That’s all there is too it.

Me: Can I say something?

Barack Obama: You broke into the White House without anyone shooting you. I don’t think I can stop you.

Me: *smirks*

Me: Kevin and Jule, it’s like this. Yes, the D/E fanbase is big. And yes, they want Damon and Elena together. But most of us are willing to wait for it. It’s like Kevin said, we want the whole journey, sweaty palms and all right? But you got to start giving us that journey. We spent most of this season deprived of meaningful interaction between them because of the JNSI thing.

Julie: JNSI?

Me: Jeremy Neck Snapping Incident

Julie: That was Kevin’s idea.

Me: Yeah, I know and I actually stand behind it but that’s not the point. The point is they’re finally okay again. It’d be nice to just see them being around each other and actually evolving their relationship however slowly. And in the meantime can you please, do something with Stefan and Elena? Literally do something with them. Have them fight. Have Elena realize that while he’s a good guy, he’s not perfect and that even though he acts like a high school human he’s actually a vampire with the same capacity for violence as his supposedly diabolic brother. Oh and point out to her that if you spend large amounts of your screen time starting at your boyfriend’s brother’s lips then it’s because you’re hot for him.

Kevin : So you think if we actually explore all the hints we’ve made about Stefan’s dark side and put real conflict into S/E’s relationship, the D/E fanbase will stop hating us for making them wait?

Me: It’s about the storytelling Kevin. Give us a good story and we’ll stick with it. Damon and Elena are inevitable. That’s never been the problem. It’s just how you tell the story.

Kevin to Julie: Alright, haul everyone in. We’ve got some major re-writes to do.

Me: Oh by the way, another suggestion? Have Marcos Siega direct every episode of TVD from now until the series finale. In Marcos we trust.

Julie to Me: The show isn’t only about S/E and D/E. What about the rest of the episode?

Me: You sure you want to know?

Julie: *nods*

Me: Oookay. Well, people – a lot a lot of people – hate the werewovles. Like really hate them. Jumped up and did tequila shots when Elijah killed them all. Made sad faces that Jules was still alive though. And the Tyler/Caroline/Matt triangle was kind of a fail. There were lots of Forewood shippers till you made Tyler act braindead the last two episodes. The speech to Matt was a nice save but too late. Plus, Caroline has more chemistry with Stefan than with either of those two. And no one really cares about Bonnie and Jeremy.

Julie: *sadface*

Me: *sympathetic smile*

Me: It was a bad episode. It happens. Just focus on bouncing back.

Barack Obama: I’d really like it if I never had to deal with this again so…I’m officially ordering this one…

Barack Obama *points at me*

Barack Obama : to be like your official Delena consultant person while you’re writing. And you had better listen to her too because I don’t even want to contemplate the damage to our demographics if you manage to turn women 18-34 across the country into cynics who refuse to get married or have children, all because you couldn’t see fit to put the right guy and girl together on a teen tv show.

Kevin to me: How soon can you get to Atlanta?

Me: *smirks* Depends on how long it takes to get Air Force One ready. Right, Mr. President?

Barack Obama: I need a drink and a cigarette.

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