Cause For Concern

March 23rd, 2011

Oval Office.

Barack Obama: is stressed.

Barack Obama: We have 15 days, Joe. Airstrikes in Libya. Humanitarian aid to Japan. A potential nuclear crisis of proportions that I don’t care to consider and do you know what’s at the top of our agenda? Do you?

Barack Obama : looks at Joe Biden expectantly.

Joe Biden: Well, I’ve been focusing on the Russia thing but let me guess. That TV show again.

Barack Obama: What gave it away this time?

Joe Biden: You’ve got more frown lines on your face than the broody vampire and I think you’ve sprouted half a dozen more gray hairs in the last five seconds.

Barack Obama: Get the one we sent to Atlanta last time. Video conference ASAP.

Ciara’s phone: rings

Ciara: was having a pleasant dream about Damon and bathtubs. She is very cranky about the interruption.

Ciara: What is it?

White House Secretary: The President of the United States wants to video conference with you asap.

Ciara: Oh god, what have JP/KW done now? And how did I not hear about it before the president? Has there been any movement on the D/E mobilization front? Any signs of anthrax or other weapons of mass destruction? Does the internet still work?

White House Secretary: Ma’am, please calm down. So far as I know everything is quiet on the front lines.

Ciara: thinks that if everything was quiet the president wouldn’t want to talk to her at half past midnight about a TV show that he doesn’t even watch.

Ten minutes later

Ciara: logs onto her computer and dials into the White House video conferencing system.

Ciara: Mr. President, you wanted to see me?

Barack Obama: We have cause for concern. Do you know anything about the upcoming episodes?

Ciara: Not really. A few spoilers have leaked but nothing about Damon and Elena.

Barack Obama: Precisely the problem. Malia tells me that the three episodes prior to this six-week hiatus had no scenes between Damon and Elena. Is that true?

Ciara: Well there was like a ten second thing right after Katherine and Stefan killed Jonas but basically yeah.

Barack Obama: Well the CIA has put certain surveillance tabs on the executive producers and the writers. The report in front of me is suggesting that there is not going to be much more interaction between Damon and Elena in the upcoming episodes. Worse, it seems like they’re going to try to kill Damon. Something about rabid flea bags.

Ciara: The werewolves yeah. I knew they were trouble. But, sir, I can assure you, the writers are not going to kill Damon. They might be a bit slow on the uptake but they aren’t stupid.

Barack Obama: snorts.

Barack Obama: Then why are they biting the hand that feeds them? Again? Do they not remember what happened the last time?

Joe Biden: We really can’t afford to have a D/E uprising on our hands. Not with the way the world is falling apart as it is.

Ciara: So what would you like me to do?

Barack Obama: scribbles something on a piece of paper and shows it to Joe Biden.

Joe Biden: reads and nods and then presses the intercom button and calls for the head of the CIA.

The Head of The CIA: enters the oval office and reads  what the president wrote.

The Head of the CIA: Ms. In Spite Of, please inform the executive producers and writers of the CW show The Vampire Diaries that if they don’t reconsider their end of season plan then Extraordinary Rendition will not just be a movie with Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Ciara: is shocked.

Ciara: You’d actually torture them for not giving the world D/E?

Barack Obama: The United States government does not torture. Officially.

Ciara: I’ll see what I can do. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

Barack Obama: I’m raising the alert level just in case. Report back in 24 hours.

Ciara: Yes, sir.

12 hours later

The set of TVD

Ciara: Morning Ian, Paul.

Ian Somerhalder: does that eye thing that we all love.

Ian Somerhalder: Morning, gorgeous.

Paul Wesley:  What’s up C?

Ciara: Have y’all seen Kevin and or Julie? I need to talk to them.

Paul Wesley: I think I saw Julie going over wardrobe changes.

Paul: points in the direction of the costume trailer.

Ciara: I gotta go. President stuff. But don’t think I didn’t notice you getting down with your bad self on Twitter Mr. Wesley. And you…

Ciara: pokes Ian in the chest 1) to make her point and 2) because any excuse to touch Ian Somerhalder is a good one

Ciara: If I have to tell you one more time that you rock and that you’re not allowed to take responsibity for every single sucky thing that happens in the world, it’s going to get dirty.

Ian Somerhalder: smirks

Ian Somerhalder: Do you promise?

Ciara: manages to walk away before she does something outrageous like jump on Ian Somerhalder.

Ciara: spots Kevin walking toward the crew setting up the days first shot.

Ciara: Kevin, hold up. We need to talk. It’s urgent.

Kevin: This can’t be good.

Ciara: The president called me in for a video conference. He’s not happy.

Kevin: How can he not be happy? There hasn’t been an episode for over a month now.

Ciara: Right. And in the three episodes before that, no Damon and Elena.

Kevin Williamson: sighs.

Kevin Williamson: How many times do we have to say it’s about the slow burn?

Ciara: Kevin, there’s a difference between slow burn – what happened between Bloodlines and Founder’s Day and NO burn, which has pretty much been happening since the end of Rose.  And that’s being generous. Some people would argue it’s been since the Return.

Ciara: shakes her head

Ciara: Face it, Kevin. Your “Year of the Kat” and “the season we explore Damon and Elena’s relationship” has been unsuccessful to say the least. If this is really how you see Damon and Elena’s relationship…well suffice it to say that for your own sake I’d just beg the network to cancel you now. You do not want to know what the White House is contemplating if the D/E fans lose the plot.

Julie Plec: approaches warily

Julie Plec: What’s going on here?

Kevin Williamson: The White House isn’t happy. They don’t like the way things are going with Damon and Elena.

Julie Plec: The whole show is not about Damon and Elena. She’s in love with Stefan remember?

Ciara: twitches.

Ciara: Nothing personal, Julie. It’s just that we’ve heard that so many times it’s become a nervous tic now. Last person to tell me S/E was epic ended up with a concussion. It was an accident though.

Julie Plec: Right.

Ciara: So moving right along…basically the message from Obama is Yes you can give the world a D/E fix before the finale or else they’re siccing the head of the CIA on you. And personally, I think the real head of the CIA is a lot scarier than fake Klaus no matter how creepy Joseph Morgan’s tweets are.

Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec: share a look.

Kevin Williamson: Should we tell her?

Julie Plec: Unless you want to take your chances with the head of the CIA, then I don’t think we have a choice.

Kevin Williamson: takes Ciara to the TVD writer’s room and sits her down with the scripts for episodes 17 -21 and the outlines for episode 22 and the beginning of season 3.

Kevin Williamson: Read all this. If you still think the President should sic the CIA on us, we’ll negotiate some rewrites.

Ciara: wishes she could read as fast as Dr. Reid on Criminal Minds.

Four hours later

Ciara: is shocked

Ciara: Well hell, I was actually right about some of this stuff. Go figure.

Ciara: emerges back into the main writers room and is greeted by anxious faces.

Ciara: First of all, who wrote BTLOTM?

Mike Daniels: raises his hand.

Ciara: picks up a donut from the table and throws it at him.

Ciara: Go watch Last Night with Eva Mendez and Guillaume Canet. That’s what should have happened.

Ciara: pauses

Kevin Williamson: Well?

Ciara: Good news and bad news. Which do you want first?

Julie Plec: Good news first.

Ciara: The ending is good. Keep that bit. Jealous Elena plus worried Elena plus selfless Damon is a recipe for win.

Kevin Williamson: But?

Ciara: But you go another episode – never mind another three – without significant interaction between Damon and Elena and/ or the hint of trouble between S/E, you won’t get as far episode 20 because the world will have ended.”

Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson: headdesk

Ciara: Have fun rewriting! I’m going to go see if Daniel Gilles will teach me that wrist flick decapitation move of his.

Ciara: leaves

Kevin Williamson to Julie Plec:  We have to go with our contingency plan.

Julie Plec: pouts

Kevin Williamson: is stern

Kevin Williamson: We agreed that if anything like this happened this was what we’d do.

Julie Plec: grumbles

Kevin Williamson: ignores her and addresses the writing team.

Kevin Williamson: So you all know that dream Stefan has in episode 18?

The Writing Team: nods

Kevin Williamson: Not going to be a dream anymore. And you know that thing Elena almost does but then doesn’t in episode 19 after meeting Klaus?

The Writing Team: nods

Kevin Williamson: She’s so totally going to do it.

Mike Daniels: sadface

Caroline Dries: gleeful face.

24 hours after the original conference call

Ciara: reports back to President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden

Ciara: Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, I believe the crisis has been averted. For now.

Barack Obama: eyes Ciara speculatively.

Barack Obama: turns to Joe Biden.

Barack Obama: She’s pretty efficient. Do you think she’d have any luck talking Quaddafi down?

Ciara: With all due respect sir that’s your job. I’m going to have drinks and play pool with two Salvatore brothers, two Originals and Alaric the Vampire slayer.  Toodles.

Barack Obama: Is it weird that I wish I could trade places with her?

Joe Biden: I think most of the female population of this country and maybe the world wishes they could trade places with her.

Barack Obama: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Joe Biden: shrugs

Joe Biden: I’m your vice president not your shrink.

The Head of The CIA: Sir, you need to see this immediately.

The Head of the CIA: presses a button to start an video feed running on the  screen. Osama bin Laden’s face appears.

Osama bin Laden: rants and raves about holy wars and infidels.

Osama bin Laden: Oh and by the way, if Damon and Elena aren’t endgame everything I just said is going to happen but it’s going to be like a million times bloodier. Just saying.

Barack Obama: has reached the breaking point.

Barack Obama: Call George Bush and tell him he can have his job back.

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6 Comments

  1. This made me laugh so hard :)…”the US government does not torture.Officially” ROFL
    thanks for putting a smile on my face again 🙂 hopefully the writers will come to their senses at last…

  2. With your update for TOSB, this has made my shitty day that much better!!! Always love your work!!

  3. Oh my gosh! That was so funny – even before coffee (and that’s saying a lot). Loved your comment to Ian about “not everything in the world is your fault.”

  4. Brilliant post. Was rolling on the floor in laughter. 🙂 If only you could talk some sense into KW and JP.

  5. youre TOO much, “manages to walk away before she does something outrageous like jump on Ian Somerhalder.” ha ha. oh God, I needed thois after reading “I wish I didn’t love you”. youre fucking genius, plain and simple

  6. Awesome lol


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